


phan || sunset lover

by oceannphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety, Dan Howell - Freeform, Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Loss, Love, M/M, Phil Lester - Freeform, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:30:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceannphan/pseuds/oceannphan
Summary: just some more angstrewritten from forever agosunsetˈsʌnsɛt/nounthe colours and light visible in the sky on an occasion of the sun's disappearance in the evening, considered as a view or spectacle."Tomorrow's the day" Dan thinks to himself as he lays on the soft grass of his front yard. "One year since Phil Lester has left my life."italics will be used to represent flashbacks!





	phan || sunset lover

sunset  
ˈsʌnsɛt/  
noun  
the colours and light visible in the sky on an occasion of the sun's disappearance in the evening, considered as a view or spectacle.

The young brown-haired boy exhales as he breathes in the fresh air that lay around him as he looks up to see the colors merging in the sky, melting together in a truly remarkable way above him. The pinks blending with the oranges that blended with the yellows, it was as if they were dancing, creating a masterpiece together. 

Dan has always loved sunsets they gave him some color on his otherwise dull life and when he looked at him he felt something unusual, it was almost like he was calm, relaxed for once. It was like he was in a different world, one away from his normal life, one where his brain wasn’t a mess of whatever he had been diagnosed with, he is honestly losing track. 

Dan sighs adjusting his position on the ground. 

“Tomorrow's the day” Dan thinks to himself. “One year since Phil Lester has left my life.”

His eyes begin to water at the thought of Phil, the one person that made him happy, it was as if when he left so did Dan’s happiness. 

Dan can’t help but let a small tear fall down his cheek as he remembers where he was a year ago. The hospital room of his dying companion looking into Phil’s soft blue eyes. The eyes that once looked alive but in that moment looked more defeated than ever. It was as if they has lost the glow they once contained. That hurt. It hurt like hell for Dan to have to sit there and just watch the life drain out of him, not being able to anything other than just letting it happen. 

At that point he didn’t know that a few hours later that the boy would die in his arms as the sun faded on the busy town of London. He didn’t know the pain that would follow him for the next year of his life. 

Dan snaps out his thoughts as he hears the creaks of his front door opening and his mum walking out.

“You doing okay?” She asks, trying her best to put an effort in for her son.

“I’m fine” Dan replies just wanting his mother to leave him to his thoughts. She never cared. All she did was just yell at Dan, tell him about how stupid he was and how he needed to be more mature, to not spend his nights locked in his bedroom crying over his loss.

All Dan wanted was for her to understand, hell all he wanted was for anyone to understand. To understand that just because time passes doesn’t mean the pain does, to understand that losing the most important person to him may just have a slight effect on his life.

“Okay, well dinner’s ready” She says sweetly trying to intise her son into coming inside.

“Not hungry” Dan replies bluntly wanting his mother to leave, she wasn’t doing anything to help, she didn’t understand. 

“Daniel, please” His mother says more sternly this time, losing the act she had on. 

Dan hates when his mother called him that, he hates the name Daniel. He couldn’t wait for the day where he could get rid of it. It was like a curse that name, it followed him around everywhere he went, and at least with that gone there be one less thing to remind him. 

Giving in to his mother’s wishes he walks into the house, hesitantly sitting down at the dinner table next to his Dad. 

“So how was your day Daniel?” His dad asks not wanting the table to fall to its usual silence. At least his dad tries. No he may not understand, but he cares and does a hell of a lot more than his mother ever does. 

“It’s Dan” Dan replies sternly, not in the mood for interaction with anyone really. Dan’s always been like that. He’s never really been the type to talk to anyone, in fact Phil was not only the first but the only person Dan has ever opened up to.

“Oh sorry Dan, how was your day?” his father asks, lightheartedly once again putting emphasis on the Dan part.

“Fine” Dan replies. He really didn’t want to go through the same old small talk, they went through every night. 

“Well how was school?” His dad continues to pry, wanting to get something out of him.

“Fine” Dan replies again in the same monotone voice. 

“For fuck’s sake Daniel! Get over it, he’s gone, it was a year ago! Can you put some effort in for once?” His mother yells. 

“You know what, I’m not hungry” Dan snaps getting up from the table. He feels like he should be used to it though, this isn’t the first time his mother has lashed out at him, wasn’t the worst she’s done either. 

As he enters his room, he slams the door behind him letting himself sink to the floor behind it. He can hear his parents yelling at each other as always but he just sits there letting the tears pour out from his eyes as he remembers the night before Phil was last admitted to hospital.

Dan looks over to see Phil smiling up at the sky mesmerized by what he saw, a mix of oranges, pinks and yellows all combining together to create a masterpiece. 

“It’s pretty isn’t it?” The younger boy starts returning his gaze to the sky above them. “The way the colors all mix together to create what we can only call an artwork” 

“It’s the second most beautiful thing I’ve seen today” Phil replies. 

“Second?” Dan questions. “What could be more beautiful than this?”

“You of course” The older replies softly which caused Dan to let out a tiny giggle. 

God how Dan loved that voice, it was so pretty, almost comforting in a way. It could make him forget all his problems, make him feel like everything was alright.

The two boys make eye contact taking in each other before Phil leans in connecting his lips to Dan’s making Dan fill with a feeling he very rarely felt, happiness. 

The two pull apart quickly as they hear the sound of Dan’s mother opening the front door. Thank god for the fact that door never got fixed.

“Dinner’s ready boys!” She says smiling.

The pick themselves up, brushing themselves down before exchanging a look and heading inside. The two end up sitting opposite one another at the table as the normal conversation starts up with Dan’s parents asking them both how school was going. 

“So… kissed any girls yet?” Dan’s dad asks jokingly awhile into the conversation. His dad found amusement in teasing them about their relationship status.

Dan and Phil look up making eye contact, pausing before bursting out laughing causing them to project their food over the table. If only the parents knew about what occurred only seconds earlier, oh would they be asking so many different questions.

“Daniel!” His mother shouts obviously annoyed at what just occurred. “Take Phil up to your room whilst I’ll clean this up. 

They stumble into Dan’s room still giggling. The two collapse down on Dan’s bed and there they lay in silence. It was a good type of silence tho, a silence where it felt as if the whole world had stopped and they were the only once existing in it. It felt like they were in peace, just lying there happily, knowing they had the others presence. 

“This has been the best night ever” Dan says breaking the beautiful silence that lay between. 

“I think I could make it better” Phil speaks pushing himself up on his arms.

“How do you plan-” Before Dan can finish his sentence he gets cut off by Phil’s lips connecting to his making him feel that same rush as before. 

 

Little did they know in a few hours Phil would fall unconscious resulting in him being rushed to the hospital. Little did they know that was the last time they would hang out, the last time they’d see the happiness in each others eyes. 

God how it hurt to know that he will never be able to look into those eyes again, to see the light that sat behind them, the eyes that were filled with so much hope and optimism would eventually drain of all life. He’d never be able to hear the voice he fell in love with, the voice that made him feel as if everything was okay even when it wasn’t. He’d never be able to lay in arms of the older boy, the arms that gave him the comfort he needed, made him feel safe when nothing else would.

Dan could feel his chest burn as he continued to cry about his departed boyfriend. Boyfriend? Was that even what Phil was? Phil seemed to hate that term, despite being an optimistic kid, he said he didn’t want to get too attached, he said it’d be easier that way. Despite all this, that didn’t stop all the moments the two shared, all the times Dan could never forget. 

Words couldn’t describe the way Dan was feeling right now, by this point his head was aching from crying, god he couldn’t stop crying but crying didn’t feel like enough, nothing seemed to be enough to release the pain the he had trapped in his body. 

Fuck, Dan would do anything just to share one more moment with that boy, one more moment of happiness, one more moment before his world fell apart but he knew no matter how hard he hoped, Phil wasn’t coming back. Phil Lester was gone.


End file.
